my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He passed out mid-signature
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
