nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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