Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
