i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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