you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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