I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
