She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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