Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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