If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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