I accidentally had phone sex last night
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
