I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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