Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
