The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
