you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Let's get the cat blown out
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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