he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize