Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
