you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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