We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
