Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
