I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize