dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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