so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
