guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
