I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
