dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
