Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
