i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
