can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
