He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
