when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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