I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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