Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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