OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
