he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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