WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize