The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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