I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
