he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
