i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Still dying that you shit outside
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
