i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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