She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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