i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
MIDGETS
????
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
