I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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