she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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