I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
