i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
