Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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