i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize