I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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