I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
