Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
