i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
