I want to walk on stilts...naked
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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