i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Randomize
