Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
