That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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