Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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