I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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