and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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