I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
