Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Semen is not good for contacts.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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