Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
