nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
