the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize