when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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