Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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