So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
