I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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