onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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